It's strange when someone else tells you how to feel

This has been a roller coaster week and it's not even really done yet. After my fun this past weekend, I've had to bring out the old fashioned clean up crew to make sure there was no damage and try to see what had changed in light of the events. I made sure I contacted the people who were involved and that they were all ok and we were good with what happened. For me that's typical... probably the same reason I get fussed at about mothering people and taking care of them instead of me. Then I really thought about who had a right to know about what happened. One such person was on the other side of the globe, we'd said we were free but some part of me said you prommised to be honest, let's see if you can really stick with that.

I sat down and wrote an email after an akward phone call where they had been probing into things that due to their previous choices they no longer had rights to probe. I knew it wasn't going to be a happy exchange, but I was following what had been said I was living, laughing and loving here in Korea. The responce I got should have been expected. Her issues of anger and distrust reared their heads. I got told I was just like everyone else. Hmmm... one thing I've learned is if everyone is reacting to me the same way, maybe it's not them it's me. Something I am doing, something I have done, or the way I am looking at the situation.

Of course the worst part what where she basicly said I should feel shame and guilt for saying something that of course couldn't be true now. I don't. I stand by my actions. Both of which she says should give me feelings of shame and guilt. New problem. I was honest at the time I said the words she wants to throw back in my face and never belived anyways. Since that time she broke that feeling, and made it something much less by how she has acted. So do I still feel bound by the words I said. Not really. Were they true when I said them, yes very much so. Am I embarrassed by my actions here? No. Not at all. they were between two people who had consented and enjoyed it. It was also so minor on the scales of what could have happened that night that it really shouldn't be an issue. Except for me I hold myself to high standards. Maybe not the same ones as everyone else but they are there for me. Mine involve making sure that I don't hurt those near me. That I can look myself in the eyes and be proud of who I am.

I can still do those things. So I am good.

The good thing for me that came out of all of this is that I've taken a step back from somethings and gone, ok is this what I really need right now. Am I doing this because I'm lonely or scared, or is it a diffrent sort of feeling. I haven't really had much time to myself this week so I think I'm going to take some of this long weekend and do that. Just go hiking or exploring on my own. Get away from the nonsense that has crept in and try to clear my head. It also will keep me from doing anything that could lead to more needs for the clean up crew for a while.