Thursday Night ramble

I should be crashing soon. It's been a long couple of days and I've got a really long day tomorrow so there is no rest for the weary right now. I've spent this evening working over a few pictures from a couple of weeks ago. I know I need to have my flash cards empty when I head out this weekend. not that I can see filling them. I haven't come close yet and I've taken hundreds of pictures while I've been here. I'm trying to take more time to compose the shots and only keep the best of them. I'm then trying to remember all the little tweaks my Dad taught me with Photoshop to pull out things and train the focus a little more clearly.
I have for the most part here just done a little contrast work... maybe change the curve a little. Tonight I took some time to really try and pull out some of the details from the masks, and darken the background a little. It got me thinking about how just changing how you look at one little detail in a picture can change how the rest of the shot looks.
It's like if you go back and look at an old picture and see it with new eyes. I was cleaning up my hard drive a few nights ago trying to get things organized and then move some stuff to my back up drive so I had more space. I ran across a few old pictures of an old flame who taught me huge things.... some things also happened between us at the time I knew I'd never forgive. I still don't forgive them but I think I'm ready to let them go. I don't want to carry it around anymore. I don't want to bring it into a new relationship when I have one. I need to let go of it... like I've been letting go of many other old things. The luggage was getting to big to lug around. It's time to let it go.

I've been in this cycle in the last few months of letting go and trying to find and give forgiveness to these ghosts from my past that keep popping up and circling around. It's time... I know that much. It's more a question of how. I've talked to ex's and people I cut out of my life completely. I've seen how they have gone off to different lives and I'm happy for them. I guess I really don't have a long burn on my vengeance streak. It seems to fizzle out around the 7 to 10 year mark.

It's strange right now that I'm trying to bring all of this closure to things... but not really. It's time. I'm also more open right now than I have been in a long time. I've had more laughs and huge grins on my face in the last few months than I have in years. It's like layers of weights are falling off and I'm just openly living my joys. I'm trying to see the light side of things. I laugh at myself more easily. I don't take myself very serious when I have to go and ask what is going on, it's a new way of being more willing to ask and accept help. I can't even tell which of the bills that show up on the door are mine with out asking for help. I'm hoping I picked up the right ones. I'm not opening them till I check with my co teacher tomorrow. Then I have to ask for help as to how to pay them. It takes trust to a new level and being willing to ask for help. Neither of which I've ever been very good at. This is a crash course in how to deal with your weaknesses.

The strange thing is I'm really enjoying moments of this. I like the challanges.... not that I'm getting good at them. I'm just doing it.

I've rambled enough now... Time to go sleep and try to find a minute or two of peace before that.