I think my playlist says it all right now... my mood sucks, and I'm going to have to fix it.

Currently playing... on heavy rotation.

• So What--- Pink
• Dirty Little Secret-- All American Rejects
• Littlest Birds-- Be Good Tanyas
• Be Okay --- Ingrid Michealson
• Brave-- Idina Menzel
• Come on get higher--- Matt Nathanson
• Mission Street --- Vienna Teng

I know I need to take the emotion out of the situation... just not sure how right now, till it burns out. I need to find some sort of clarity on things. Something that shows me how to handle it. I've always been good at reading things at work and knowing how to communicate with people. Right now I feel like I'm missing some big puzzle piece that if I could find it things would snap into focus.

I know it's not another person... it's an understanding of how to communicate with the people I need to talk to. I know this is part of what I signed up for. I don't want to change that I want to figure out how to change me so I can come to some understanding and wrap my mind around what is going on.
Some of it I know is just that I've still got issues from being the last kid picked in school, the fat kid who kids had fun making cry on the playground. So not being able to really know what is going on I feel that same feeling of I must be doing something wrong to have this happening. Who knows tonight I just feel alone and far from home. I don't feel like I should be there. I just miss the safety that is there. I know I came on this to try new things and really do something different. It just is hard right now. I know I can get through this. I'm just going to have to figure out a way to do it.
I'm not even sure I want to post this right now... it's pretty much me laid out. I usually don't even let this much so to those I know and trust much less out where anyone can find it. I feel like I should in case someone is thinking of doing this. They should see it's not all partying and having fun. There is another side to this.