translated the mesage I got this afternoon on the school messenger program.
학교 평가 때 교무부에서 각선생님께 부탁드려 만들어 놓은 회의록철이 발이 달려서 없어졌습니다. 혹 가지고 계신 선생님께서는 교무부로 보내주세요.
꼭 확인부탁드립니다.-감사때 첨가해서 사용해야 합니다.
became:
I bother you for when evaluating school students created the minutes of meetings gakseon gyomubu season in the running feet are lost. Or if you have a teacher send you gyomubu.
OK, we'll ask you to add .- gamsattae must be used.
makes no sense.
Guess I'll stick to being confused in one language... and not make it more at this point.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Open Class
I guess I should explain what an open class is. Basicaly instead of like in the US where you are evaluated by a member of the school administartion, here you hold a class that is open to all the faculty and they evaluate your class. I've co taught at least 4 of them since I've been here and the thing that gets me is I have no idea how they think I did. All the coments and such are given in Korean.
Today's open class is with the 3rd grade teacher. Thankfully it's only for the school so it's not a crazy as when we do open classes for the entire district. I've got another day of those in November... I'm not sure how many classes I'm doing that day, but I've checked plans for every grade.
Time to go wrangle the drama group.
Today's open class is with the 3rd grade teacher. Thankfully it's only for the school so it's not a crazy as when we do open classes for the entire district. I've got another day of those in November... I'm not sure how many classes I'm doing that day, but I've checked plans for every grade.
Time to go wrangle the drama group.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Temple Stay... the short version
Saturday after a few stops and starts I got on the road to Haiensa (yes we ended up someplace different than where I thought we were going... but hey this was a more important temple anyways). After taxi, subway, and then bus, we made it up to the start of the hike up to the temple. There were 7 of us 6 expats and 1 Korean English teacher at the Uni where Jody works. We stopped at one of the little resturants at the bottom for a quick lunch of Korean pizza, potato pancake, and I can't remember what the Korean name for it is but Acorn tofu.
Then we hiked up while trying not to take too long since we were a little late to the temple. We got there signed in, paid our 30,000won and were handed our outfits for the weekend. Then off we went to change and get ready for whatever it was to come. So we headed into one of the smaller temples and were instructed for about 3 hours on how to eat with the Baru and how to sit, bow, walk, etc. All of this was in Korean. We'd been told it was going to be in English... but no such luck. So most of whatever wisdom the Monk was passing on passed over my head. Dinner was pretty good and yet again I don't know what I ate, just that it was veggitarian. I'm thinking roots, mushrooms, and cabbage for the most part along with bean sprout soup. Then we had 15 minuntes to clean up and get back for evening prayers. I gave up most of that time to watch the evening drumming... which was facinating and I shot a little video of it before we had to go.
This was probably one of the highlights of the first night for me... because we did them in the main temple. So while it was more Stand, sit , Kneel. It was in a beautiful setting with incense wafteing around and the monks chanting. Afterward we did a walking mediation around a pagoda for awhile... admitedly my main thought was "Holy crap! There are stars in Korea!" Living in the city I can't see them most of the time so it was nice to have a couple minutes to look at them while walking. Then it was honestly 2 hours of boring hell. We got to have a "chat" with the monk... still no translator so... 2 hours of Korean plus we could tell there were some jokes pointed at us since we couldn't understand them.
Finally 9pm and lights out. But sleeping on mats on a really hot floor, with people snoring, and all was not the best nights sleep. Plus morning was coming way too early.
2:30am Lights ON! The gongs were ringing and it was time to get up and be ready for morning prayers at 3am. So up again and back up some scary stairs in the dark and time for the 108 bows. (sounds easier than it is) Then a 1/2 hour meditation in a little temple, where I got fussed at cause Jody and I put our prayer mats down too loud.
Afterwards we had a half hour to chill so since dawn was breaking I took a few pictures and a 10minute nap. Then off to breakfast, dried sweet seaweed, rice, potato noodle, and carrot soup, and I think some more cabbage. Then another 15 to brush teeth and such then back to the meeting spot. Where we got a great surprise!!! AN ENGLISH SPEAKING MONK!!!! Yeah! He made the whole weekend. He had gone to school in the US for High School and college. The tour he gave us of Haiensa was neat, he basicly had us argue and talk about buddist thought and told us a few things about why Haiensa is so famous.
After that we kind of decided to take off... we were tired and couldn't see 2 hours of the other monk again touring us though the museum, (which we had heard from people was all in Korean and not that good.) The plan was to sneak off, but we got caught. So yet another scolding by the monk. This one I managed to doge most of cause I was just going along with the group since otherwise I didn't know how to get back to Daegu. When we finally managed to get out of the temple, we took some nice pictures on the way downhill. Caught the bus and made it back to Daegu, where I faced a new challange... saying NO to my co-teacher... we'll see how that plays out today at work now.
Then we hiked up while trying not to take too long since we were a little late to the temple. We got there signed in, paid our 30,000won and were handed our outfits for the weekend. Then off we went to change and get ready for whatever it was to come. So we headed into one of the smaller temples and were instructed for about 3 hours on how to eat with the Baru and how to sit, bow, walk, etc. All of this was in Korean. We'd been told it was going to be in English... but no such luck. So most of whatever wisdom the Monk was passing on passed over my head. Dinner was pretty good and yet again I don't know what I ate, just that it was veggitarian. I'm thinking roots, mushrooms, and cabbage for the most part along with bean sprout soup. Then we had 15 minuntes to clean up and get back for evening prayers. I gave up most of that time to watch the evening drumming... which was facinating and I shot a little video of it before we had to go.
This was probably one of the highlights of the first night for me... because we did them in the main temple. So while it was more Stand, sit , Kneel. It was in a beautiful setting with incense wafteing around and the monks chanting. Afterward we did a walking mediation around a pagoda for awhile... admitedly my main thought was "Holy crap! There are stars in Korea!" Living in the city I can't see them most of the time so it was nice to have a couple minutes to look at them while walking. Then it was honestly 2 hours of boring hell. We got to have a "chat" with the monk... still no translator so... 2 hours of Korean plus we could tell there were some jokes pointed at us since we couldn't understand them.
Finally 9pm and lights out. But sleeping on mats on a really hot floor, with people snoring, and all was not the best nights sleep. Plus morning was coming way too early.
2:30am Lights ON! The gongs were ringing and it was time to get up and be ready for morning prayers at 3am. So up again and back up some scary stairs in the dark and time for the 108 bows. (sounds easier than it is) Then a 1/2 hour meditation in a little temple, where I got fussed at cause Jody and I put our prayer mats down too loud.
Afterwards we had a half hour to chill so since dawn was breaking I took a few pictures and a 10minute nap. Then off to breakfast, dried sweet seaweed, rice, potato noodle, and carrot soup, and I think some more cabbage. Then another 15 to brush teeth and such then back to the meeting spot. Where we got a great surprise!!! AN ENGLISH SPEAKING MONK!!!! Yeah! He made the whole weekend. He had gone to school in the US for High School and college. The tour he gave us of Haiensa was neat, he basicly had us argue and talk about buddist thought and told us a few things about why Haiensa is so famous.
After that we kind of decided to take off... we were tired and couldn't see 2 hours of the other monk again touring us though the museum, (which we had heard from people was all in Korean and not that good.) The plan was to sneak off, but we got caught. So yet another scolding by the monk. This one I managed to doge most of cause I was just going along with the group since otherwise I didn't know how to get back to Daegu. When we finally managed to get out of the temple, we took some nice pictures on the way downhill. Caught the bus and made it back to Daegu, where I faced a new challange... saying NO to my co-teacher... we'll see how that plays out today at work now.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Workin on the photo story idea... more will come I'm sure.
A typical Friday in Daegu in pictures.... well at least part of a Friday.
Students practicing for a English play contest.
I've been practicing with this kid for his speech contest for the last two months...he's a sweet kid and usually so serious, so him with a smile is great.
I love my red Korean Chucks.
Monique was a bit annoyed at the camera and we were having a conversation about some previous pictures that were not the most flattering.
Not the best picture, but we'd moved on to Ice bar where the beer is served in ice. This is Beth and her boy, it was her b-day we were out celebrating.
Once you drink the beer you throw the ice at this target... I hit it on the first one and won a free beer.
While we were walking from Ice bar to Communes for Trivia (which I left before cause I was tired and wanted to avoid the drama) Christy found some new friends with this group of Korean Bikers.
I'm now ready after some sleep to go off to the temple for the night and try to find a little peace and quiet.
Students practicing for a English play contest.
I've been practicing with this kid for his speech contest for the last two months...he's a sweet kid and usually so serious, so him with a smile is great.
I love my red Korean Chucks.
Monique was a bit annoyed at the camera and we were having a conversation about some previous pictures that were not the most flattering.
Not the best picture, but we'd moved on to Ice bar where the beer is served in ice. This is Beth and her boy, it was her b-day we were out celebrating.
Once you drink the beer you throw the ice at this target... I hit it on the first one and won a free beer.
While we were walking from Ice bar to Communes for Trivia (which I left before cause I was tired and wanted to avoid the drama) Christy found some new friends with this group of Korean Bikers.
I'm now ready after some sleep to go off to the temple for the night and try to find a little peace and quiet.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Thursday Night ramble
I should be crashing soon. It's been a long couple of days and I've got a really long day tomorrow so there is no rest for the weary right now. I've spent this evening working over a few pictures from a couple of weeks ago. I know I need to have my flash cards empty when I head out this weekend. not that I can see filling them. I haven't come close yet and I've taken hundreds of pictures while I've been here. I'm trying to take more time to compose the shots and only keep the best of them. I'm then trying to remember all the little tweaks my Dad taught me with Photoshop to pull out things and train the focus a little more clearly.
I have for the most part here just done a little contrast work... maybe change the curve a little. Tonight I took some time to really try and pull out some of the details from the masks, and darken the background a little. It got me thinking about how just changing how you look at one little detail in a picture can change how the rest of the shot looks.
It's like if you go back and look at an old picture and see it with new eyes. I was cleaning up my hard drive a few nights ago trying to get things organized and then move some stuff to my back up drive so I had more space. I ran across a few old pictures of an old flame who taught me huge things.... some things also happened between us at the time I knew I'd never forgive. I still don't forgive them but I think I'm ready to let them go. I don't want to carry it around anymore. I don't want to bring it into a new relationship when I have one. I need to let go of it... like I've been letting go of many other old things. The luggage was getting to big to lug around. It's time to let it go.
I've been in this cycle in the last few months of letting go and trying to find and give forgiveness to these ghosts from my past that keep popping up and circling around. It's time... I know that much. It's more a question of how. I've talked to ex's and people I cut out of my life completely. I've seen how they have gone off to different lives and I'm happy for them. I guess I really don't have a long burn on my vengeance streak. It seems to fizzle out around the 7 to 10 year mark.
It's strange right now that I'm trying to bring all of this closure to things... but not really. It's time. I'm also more open right now than I have been in a long time. I've had more laughs and huge grins on my face in the last few months than I have in years. It's like layers of weights are falling off and I'm just openly living my joys. I'm trying to see the light side of things. I laugh at myself more easily. I don't take myself very serious when I have to go and ask what is going on, it's a new way of being more willing to ask and accept help. I can't even tell which of the bills that show up on the door are mine with out asking for help. I'm hoping I picked up the right ones. I'm not opening them till I check with my co teacher tomorrow. Then I have to ask for help as to how to pay them. It takes trust to a new level and being willing to ask for help. Neither of which I've ever been very good at. This is a crash course in how to deal with your weaknesses.
The strange thing is I'm really enjoying moments of this. I like the challanges.... not that I'm getting good at them. I'm just doing it.
I've rambled enough now... Time to go sleep and try to find a minute or two of peace before that.
I have for the most part here just done a little contrast work... maybe change the curve a little. Tonight I took some time to really try and pull out some of the details from the masks, and darken the background a little. It got me thinking about how just changing how you look at one little detail in a picture can change how the rest of the shot looks.
It's like if you go back and look at an old picture and see it with new eyes. I was cleaning up my hard drive a few nights ago trying to get things organized and then move some stuff to my back up drive so I had more space. I ran across a few old pictures of an old flame who taught me huge things.... some things also happened between us at the time I knew I'd never forgive. I still don't forgive them but I think I'm ready to let them go. I don't want to carry it around anymore. I don't want to bring it into a new relationship when I have one. I need to let go of it... like I've been letting go of many other old things. The luggage was getting to big to lug around. It's time to let it go.
I've been in this cycle in the last few months of letting go and trying to find and give forgiveness to these ghosts from my past that keep popping up and circling around. It's time... I know that much. It's more a question of how. I've talked to ex's and people I cut out of my life completely. I've seen how they have gone off to different lives and I'm happy for them. I guess I really don't have a long burn on my vengeance streak. It seems to fizzle out around the 7 to 10 year mark.
It's strange right now that I'm trying to bring all of this closure to things... but not really. It's time. I'm also more open right now than I have been in a long time. I've had more laughs and huge grins on my face in the last few months than I have in years. It's like layers of weights are falling off and I'm just openly living my joys. I'm trying to see the light side of things. I laugh at myself more easily. I don't take myself very serious when I have to go and ask what is going on, it's a new way of being more willing to ask and accept help. I can't even tell which of the bills that show up on the door are mine with out asking for help. I'm hoping I picked up the right ones. I'm not opening them till I check with my co teacher tomorrow. Then I have to ask for help as to how to pay them. It takes trust to a new level and being willing to ask for help. Neither of which I've ever been very good at. This is a crash course in how to deal with your weaknesses.
The strange thing is I'm really enjoying moments of this. I like the challanges.... not that I'm getting good at them. I'm just doing it.
I've rambled enough now... Time to go sleep and try to find a minute or two of peace before that.
Time for a little peace and quiet.
You are probably feeling more confident about yourself and the possible outcome of your recent actions. Even if you previously doubted yourself, now things finally begin to turn around. Yet it may be difficult to loosen up enough to accept life just the way it is and people just as they are. Still, once you do, you gain the gift of true vision empowering you to shine as an inspiring leader
That was my horoscope for today... which I know many who know me well are probably laughing at. I'm doing better mainly because I have no choice but to just accept things. I know somethings I could have handled better but overall I'm happier this week. I've learned to walk (an in some cases RUN) away from the nonsense going on around me so that I can enjoy things here. I'm working on nurturing friendships with those who also think that spending the whole weekend either at the bar or hungover is not what they want to do.
On Saturday I'm headed off to Jijiksa Temple for a overnight temple stay. I'm looking forward to this because I figure a little peace and quiet can go a long way. After all of the rapid fire changes that come with moving overseas to finally try and find some peace and quiet is just what the doctor ordered. I should be writing a quiz for the broadcast but I'm not sure how I want to do it this week... I'm going to try and bounce a couple of ideas off of my co teacher late today. I also have to secure her help with going to the bank tomorrow to send some money home... which I've heard can range from easy to insane. I'm hoping for easy.
That was my horoscope for today... which I know many who know me well are probably laughing at. I'm doing better mainly because I have no choice but to just accept things. I know somethings I could have handled better but overall I'm happier this week. I've learned to walk (an in some cases RUN) away from the nonsense going on around me so that I can enjoy things here. I'm working on nurturing friendships with those who also think that spending the whole weekend either at the bar or hungover is not what they want to do.
On Saturday I'm headed off to Jijiksa Temple for a overnight temple stay. I'm looking forward to this because I figure a little peace and quiet can go a long way. After all of the rapid fire changes that come with moving overseas to finally try and find some peace and quiet is just what the doctor ordered. I should be writing a quiz for the broadcast but I'm not sure how I want to do it this week... I'm going to try and bounce a couple of ideas off of my co teacher late today. I also have to secure her help with going to the bank tomorrow to send some money home... which I've heard can range from easy to insane. I'm hoping for easy.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Things that would never happen at home
I was invited at the last minute on Tuesday to go on a field trip... actually it was and I quote because this is just one example of how things sometimes get lost in translation, it's not to be mean or anything it's just lost. " Do you want to go to camp with the 4th grade?" I'm of course like sure... why not... I spent a couple summers as a working at camps as a lifeguard I can do that. Um.. it wasn't really camp. We went to Gyeongju which I guess from what I managed to read on signs was the ancient Silla capital. It was interesting becasue I got to see some of my after school students in a diffrent way and I got to talk to several diffrent teachers who I normally don't get to talk to at all.
It was fun in many ways cause I got to see yet again how kids are kids everywhere. I watched them play with thier cell phones on the bus, listen and sing along with music.
The trip took us to two famous temples. One I think was famous because it was in a grotto. The other I think mainly because it was originally built in 523 AD. I also got to wander though an acheology exhibit at a national museum.
Now before we got to the museum we had lunch at the second temple. The teachers had their lunch prepared for them by the class leaders. As in the students had prepared lunch for the teachers... Think about that for a second... I don't know if it would have ever been possible for any of my classes to prepare lunch for teachers. Much less the feast that was prepared for these teachers. Fresh fruit, gimbap, seaweed soup, tea, sushi, kimchi, fried shrimp, and a few things I couldn't identify but they were good. (yes, Mom I am becoming much less picky about what I eat here, EXCEPT for fish!). The students also policed themselves so the teachers could eat with out worry. No parent chaperones. Just 4 teachers and 3 busses of students. The students were fun to watch because they would come running up to me and go teacher, teacher you come, me. And grab my hand and drag me running after them to see something and then they would try to find the english words for whatever it was they were showing me. The best was when they wanted to show me a golden pig. They missed the word gold for a while so I was trying to figure out where a live pig was. Then we got it figured out there was a gold pig infront of one of the temples and one hidden in the rafters.
They would also use me as a beacon to find their teacher. You know a blonde white person really stands out better than a short black haired Korean woman in the middle of a crowd. :) They also kept saying I was a rock star because all the other students were asking them about me. It's fun but strange most days.
Ok time to find some dinner.
It was fun in many ways cause I got to see yet again how kids are kids everywhere. I watched them play with thier cell phones on the bus, listen and sing along with music.
The trip took us to two famous temples. One I think was famous because it was in a grotto. The other I think mainly because it was originally built in 523 AD. I also got to wander though an acheology exhibit at a national museum.
Now before we got to the museum we had lunch at the second temple. The teachers had their lunch prepared for them by the class leaders. As in the students had prepared lunch for the teachers... Think about that for a second... I don't know if it would have ever been possible for any of my classes to prepare lunch for teachers. Much less the feast that was prepared for these teachers. Fresh fruit, gimbap, seaweed soup, tea, sushi, kimchi, fried shrimp, and a few things I couldn't identify but they were good. (yes, Mom I am becoming much less picky about what I eat here, EXCEPT for fish!). The students also policed themselves so the teachers could eat with out worry. No parent chaperones. Just 4 teachers and 3 busses of students. The students were fun to watch because they would come running up to me and go teacher, teacher you come, me. And grab my hand and drag me running after them to see something and then they would try to find the english words for whatever it was they were showing me. The best was when they wanted to show me a golden pig. They missed the word gold for a while so I was trying to figure out where a live pig was. Then we got it figured out there was a gold pig infront of one of the temples and one hidden in the rafters.
They would also use me as a beacon to find their teacher. You know a blonde white person really stands out better than a short black haired Korean woman in the middle of a crowd. :) They also kept saying I was a rock star because all the other students were asking them about me. It's fun but strange most days.
Ok time to find some dinner.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Real World EPIK
I swear someone could make a fortune following us Native teachers around. We have a full fledged soap going on here. We have the party girls, the party boys, a few sensitive folks, a few minorities, and throw in a couple of queers for good measure.
We've hit the point where we're no longer just being polite to each other, we're honest about crazy stuff. Add in the whole we can't read the signs and not many folks speak English we're a pretty funny group.
Between the hook ups, drunk nights happening around me, and the Junior High gossip that goes on, it's interesting to watch what happens and how people react to it. I really could say more but I wouldn't here cause it's public.
We've hit the point where we're no longer just being polite to each other, we're honest about crazy stuff. Add in the whole we can't read the signs and not many folks speak English we're a pretty funny group.
Between the hook ups, drunk nights happening around me, and the Junior High gossip that goes on, it's interesting to watch what happens and how people react to it. I really could say more but I wouldn't here cause it's public.
Monday, October 6, 2008
I think my playlist says it all right now... my mood sucks, and I'm going to have to fix it.
Currently playing... on heavy rotation.
I know it's not another person... it's an understanding of how to communicate with the people I need to talk to. I know this is part of what I signed up for. I don't want to change that I want to figure out how to change me so I can come to some understanding and wrap my mind around what is going on.
Some of it I know is just that I've still got issues from being the last kid picked in school, the fat kid who kids had fun making cry on the playground. So not being able to really know what is going on I feel that same feeling of I must be doing something wrong to have this happening. Who knows tonight I just feel alone and far from home. I don't feel like I should be there. I just miss the safety that is there. I know I came on this to try new things and really do something different. It just is hard right now. I know I can get through this. I'm just going to have to figure out a way to do it.
I'm not even sure I want to post this right now... it's pretty much me laid out. I usually don't even let this much so to those I know and trust much less out where anyone can find it. I feel like I should in case someone is thinking of doing this. They should see it's not all partying and having fun. There is another side to this.
- So What--- Pink
- Dirty Little Secret-- All American Rejects
- Littlest Birds-- Be Good Tanyas
- Be Okay --- Ingrid Michealson
- Brave-- Idina Menzel
- Come on get higher--- Matt Nathanson
- Mission Street --- Vienna Teng
I know it's not another person... it's an understanding of how to communicate with the people I need to talk to. I know this is part of what I signed up for. I don't want to change that I want to figure out how to change me so I can come to some understanding and wrap my mind around what is going on.
Some of it I know is just that I've still got issues from being the last kid picked in school, the fat kid who kids had fun making cry on the playground. So not being able to really know what is going on I feel that same feeling of I must be doing something wrong to have this happening. Who knows tonight I just feel alone and far from home. I don't feel like I should be there. I just miss the safety that is there. I know I came on this to try new things and really do something different. It just is hard right now. I know I can get through this. I'm just going to have to figure out a way to do it.
I'm not even sure I want to post this right now... it's pretty much me laid out. I usually don't even let this much so to those I know and trust much less out where anyone can find it. I feel like I should in case someone is thinking of doing this. They should see it's not all partying and having fun. There is another side to this.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Grabbed and copied from myspace
So where is home now?
Current mood: 
I don't usually blog here. I keep myself to my old faithfuls of Blogger and LJ. Most of my Korea experience so far is well documented on various places on the web. My pictures are safely ensconced on flickr, weekly or sometimes more often ramblings of what I'm doing, how things are going, what sort of funny things have happened to me, are classified as either clean or dirty and placed on the correct blog.
I was just reading Doria Roberts blog that she had done for the AJC and started laughing... 5 weeks till your own bed. Ha try a year or more. But then I thought... well that kinda is my bed now sitting in the corner. It's mine till I move on from Daegu. I may wander over Korea and the world from here but it's home for the moment. No matter how much my heart aches when I think of Atlanta and friends and family waiting for me to get the wander out of me so I can think more clearly about settling.
I'm very lucky the roots I grew there are pretty long. I can feel pieces of home even when I'm on the other side of the world.
It's not just the Atlanta people I miss and wish I could call up at a moments notice to share some strange insight of the day with. It's people I've known at different points in my life. Then I remember it's around 2 am there and I can't just call on my cellphone. That's when I smile, remember how lucky I am to have those people, hope I remember when I make it back to my little apartment and send them off an email.
The other side of that is when you don't hear back... the out of sight out of mind thing has taken over. I haven't been there for 2 months so I've been forgotten. I know it's not everyone. But there are some who I know don't think of me very often. I guess that's how it is for those who leave and those who are left. One person different for some, isn't much. Where as no familiar faces for another leaves strange holes where people and things once were.
I've gotten some of my biggest smiles over here when I've gotten just a short note out of the blue from someone, saying they were thinking of me. It's not always the person I thought I'd hear from either. I was telling a friend here yesterday that I'd gotten an email from a friend and it just made my day.. he was like, yeah I wish I'd get a few of those. I was sitting on a bus the day before talking to another teacher and she was telling me how lucky I am that I know who I am and I have friends who support that. She's working through losing friends because they don't share the same world view anymore. All I could say is, Yeah, I am lucky. I lived through losing people who didn't understand me. Not everyone can handle a different view.
People and things change. I know when I go back to Atlanta, it won't be the same. The people there will have changed. I will have changed. I know I've started to see the changes in myself already. I however do know that under the changes at the core, there will be somethings that are the same. That's what I look forward to, a year or more from now, going home to those things and people I've missed.
Oh and the craziest thing is when you crave just one thing... and it's something you can't find here. So when you have a chicken biscuit or sandwich from Chick-fil-a think of those of us who can't have one but would have wanted one badly last week when they were hunting for a hangover cure.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
It's strange when someone else tells you how to feel
This has been a roller coaster week and it's not even really done yet. After my fun this past weekend, I've had to bring out the old fashioned clean up crew to make sure there was no damage and try to see what had changed in light of the events. I made sure I contacted the people who were involved and that they were all ok and we were good with what happened. For me that's typical... probably the same reason I get fussed at about mothering people and taking care of them instead of me. Then I really thought about who had a right to know about what happened. One such person was on the other side of the globe, we'd said we were free but some part of me said you prommised to be honest, let's see if you can really stick with that.
I sat down and wrote an email after an akward phone call where they had been probing into things that due to their previous choices they no longer had rights to probe. I knew it wasn't going to be a happy exchange, but I was following what had been said I was living, laughing and loving here in Korea. The responce I got should have been expected. Her issues of anger and distrust reared their heads. I got told I was just like everyone else. Hmmm... one thing I've learned is if everyone is reacting to me the same way, maybe it's not them it's me. Something I am doing, something I have done, or the way I am looking at the situation.
Of course the worst part what where she basicly said I should feel shame and guilt for saying something that of course couldn't be true now. I don't. I stand by my actions. Both of which she says should give me feelings of shame and guilt. New problem. I was honest at the time I said the words she wants to throw back in my face and never belived anyways. Since that time she broke that feeling, and made it something much less by how she has acted. So do I still feel bound by the words I said. Not really. Were they true when I said them, yes very much so. Am I embarrassed by my actions here? No. Not at all. they were between two people who had consented and enjoyed it. It was also so minor on the scales of what could have happened that night that it really shouldn't be an issue. Except for me I hold myself to high standards. Maybe not the same ones as everyone else but they are there for me. Mine involve making sure that I don't hurt those near me. That I can look myself in the eyes and be proud of who I am.
I can still do those things. So I am good.
The good thing for me that came out of all of this is that I've taken a step back from somethings and gone, ok is this what I really need right now. Am I doing this because I'm lonely or scared, or is it a diffrent sort of feeling. I haven't really had much time to myself this week so I think I'm going to take some of this long weekend and do that. Just go hiking or exploring on my own. Get away from the nonsense that has crept in and try to clear my head. It also will keep me from doing anything that could lead to more needs for the clean up crew for a while.
I sat down and wrote an email after an akward phone call where they had been probing into things that due to their previous choices they no longer had rights to probe. I knew it wasn't going to be a happy exchange, but I was following what had been said I was living, laughing and loving here in Korea. The responce I got should have been expected. Her issues of anger and distrust reared their heads. I got told I was just like everyone else. Hmmm... one thing I've learned is if everyone is reacting to me the same way, maybe it's not them it's me. Something I am doing, something I have done, or the way I am looking at the situation.
Of course the worst part what where she basicly said I should feel shame and guilt for saying something that of course couldn't be true now. I don't. I stand by my actions. Both of which she says should give me feelings of shame and guilt. New problem. I was honest at the time I said the words she wants to throw back in my face and never belived anyways. Since that time she broke that feeling, and made it something much less by how she has acted. So do I still feel bound by the words I said. Not really. Were they true when I said them, yes very much so. Am I embarrassed by my actions here? No. Not at all. they were between two people who had consented and enjoyed it. It was also so minor on the scales of what could have happened that night that it really shouldn't be an issue. Except for me I hold myself to high standards. Maybe not the same ones as everyone else but they are there for me. Mine involve making sure that I don't hurt those near me. That I can look myself in the eyes and be proud of who I am.
I can still do those things. So I am good.
The good thing for me that came out of all of this is that I've taken a step back from somethings and gone, ok is this what I really need right now. Am I doing this because I'm lonely or scared, or is it a diffrent sort of feeling. I haven't really had much time to myself this week so I think I'm going to take some of this long weekend and do that. Just go hiking or exploring on my own. Get away from the nonsense that has crept in and try to clear my head. It also will keep me from doing anything that could lead to more needs for the clean up crew for a while.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
