Family... and ramblings.

Something I haven't really addressed here in Korea is the lack of Family. I'm not talking about Mom, Dad, Brother, Grandmom, type. I'm talking about Lesbians, Gay boys, Leather, Musicians, and all of the beautiful people who made up my family and daily life in Atlanta. While I have friends and people that I know. It's not Family. I have kind of given up on finding a family here and I'm fine with that.
I went on a date of a sort on Friday. It didn't go well which is I guess to be expected when it's someone who is confused and scared about what they are. Does it mean I'm giving up on them no. I remember the whole period when I was figuring things out. It wasn't easy. I had a guy who was just waiting for the right minute to pop the question and get me to marry him and settle down and have babies, but something was missing. He was far away and I went to a couple of concerts and saw all the lesbians around me and started going...that's really interesting. I started feeling confused about who I was attracted to. Then I planned a trip to follow a musician I hid my feelings about who I was attracted to from the people I was going to meet. This was a chance I was away from people who knew me and would judge me I feared. The first day of that trip I was standing in the rain and met someone. As she walked away to do something. I actually watched her. I watched her glance back at me and grin as we both got caught. In that moment my small confusion with lots of questions exploded. I was like oh shit! I just checked out a girl and I'm attracted to her. That woman and I after lots of starts and stops where she helped me overcome my fears, sometimes pushing too hard for things that were where she was at the time, was my first for lots of things. Not everyone can have that magical moment. I remember it vividly. Post Indigo Girls show, dinner at the Vortex, going back to her place and siting and talking. All it took was her asking permission to kiss me and my world went from fuzzy and confused to vividly clear. By the end of that weekend trip, I was out to myself at least as bi. I knew there was no going back to straight. I loved girls. I remember feeling bad as I vaguely skirted issues as I made trip after trip to Atlanta to date her. I hated not being honest with my parents. But I was scared out of my mind as to what would happen if they found out my secret. Would they disown me? Would they say I was going to hell? Would I get kicked out of the family? So I kept quiet. I built a small family in Augusta where I was living of people who if my parents found out were willing to take me in till I finished my teaching degree. I had a net there to catch me.
After I graduated I moved to Atlanta in August... by October I was out to my family. I was also laying the foundations for my current family. The people who stand by me to this day, five years later. Was it easy to come out to any of them, no. Was it worth it? Yes. Was it easy or helpful to my profession to be out? Nope. I'm sure it hurt my chances of promotion many times. I'm very proud of who I am but it wasn't easy to get here. I'm still working on growing in to myself. That's one of the things I've learned since I've been here in Korea. I can be me. I can be myself but not everyone needs to see all of me. I stood around last night hearing Expat, university teachers talk about how they feel bad for the gay boys in their classrooms because in less than a year many of them will have to go for the mandatory Army service. They worry that they will be eaten alive. Only one person in the conversation knew I was gay. I didn't feel a need to change that. It was probably the most honest conversation I've heard about how Koreans view homosexuals since I've been here.
I feel for anyone coming out anywhere. I know I was lucky to come out into a community. I can't imagine coming out where there isn't one and it's viewed so harshly by most people. That being said, I also can't see my life any other way.

I've tried to live my life by several simple guides.
1. If you aren't going to be able to look back on what you do with out regret. Change it.
2. Don't inflict hurt, intentionally.
3. Try to be right where you are. (this one is one I'm working on everyday.)
4. Give back the gifts you have been given.

They aren't easy, they don't give me a lot of options sometimes. The last one has guided my life for almost 15 years. Right now it's telling me to be patient, kind, don't push, walk as an example, not an easy task. But I've been given alot in my life and I have to pass it on, be it knowledge, experiance, kindness, acceptance.
Ok I've rambled enough and now I need to go take a shower in my freezing cold bathroom and then think about lesson plans for the week.